NEWSFLASH: Turmoil In Heaven.

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an
affair with a former worshipper.


The scandal was begun when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed
that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the
hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God
for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship
with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."


In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying
that "no sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this story
will come out in time, verily."


Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three
foreign operatives known only as the "Wise Men." Beelzubub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in
the affair.


Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the
charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to investigate, that God
had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed
land deal. In recent months, Beelzubub's investigation has already been
expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that
plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to
divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a
parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group
was quid pro quo for political contributions.


If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions
for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning
to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional
restriction on free speech.