Shizzy's Mailbag -- Target: Starbucks!!

The Set-up:

Most of us have a love/hate relationship with Starbucks. I lean towards hate because it's funnier. Plus, they wouldn't hire me. When a manager called one of my references, my old boss said I was "unreliable" and had "attitude issues." Who actually fucking calls references?

Anyway, you know the great thing about big, publicly-traded companies like Starbucks? It's so damn easy to get a list of their entire staff. Staff directories are great -- especially when they list everyone from the CEO all the way down to the lowest level peon.

Speaking of peons, here I begin a friendly dialogue with Roger Simmons, a brand new assistant in the human resources dept, hired just a few weeks earlier. This is the lowest level person I could find that still works in the office. I think it's so nice that the President and CEO of Starbucks International would send a welcome letter to such an unimportant person. Don't you?

Enjoy,

Shizzy

P.S. Thanks to our reader Justin who helped set us up with email domains for the purpose of looking slightly more authentic. While this technology is usually used by spammers, I plan to make better use of it. I'm sure hotmail is thankful as well.

Date: Mon, 11 Oct 2004 10:30:18 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Welcome to Starbucks Mr. Simmons, I just wanted to say hello and welcome you to the human resources department. I realize you've only been working for this company for a few weeks and we haven't met, but I do try to welcome new employees. Being an assistant is an important cog in the machinery that is our company, and I'm hopeful we will both benefit from your employment here. Obviously, as the CEO I am very busy and travel a good bit, but I do try to keep an open dialogue with all the employees, from the corporate office all the way down to baristas in our 8500 store locations. If there is anything you need, do not hesitate to write. My office door is always open. Best regards, Orin C. Smith (It's really me, Shizzy!) President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Mon, 11 Oct 2004 21:04:04 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Thank you. That's kind of you to write a personal note. I appreciate it. Roger Simmons

Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 13:07:48 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Mr. Simmons, You are welcome. I try to take the extra effort to reach out to newer employees because I think it's important for a senior officer to open the lines of communication within the company, no matter how low they are on the totem pole. If something is broken, we need to fix it and that usually starts at the bottom, where you are. Email makes it a lot easier to do this, and my secretary has been superb about teaching me how to use it, and so I no longer have to dictate to her the old fashioned way. As you may have read, I will be replaced as CEO by Jim Donald in March. While I don't want to get into the specifics of some of the changes at the higher levels, you can rest assured that your department head Caroline Crisholm will remain at her post. Some may say I'm a lame duck executive, but I have no intention of just sitting at my office twiddling my thumbs for the next 4 months. I intend to continue to make this the best company on the planet. And that means a give and take with all the employees of Starbucks, not just the ones with big corner offices. Good luck with your new position in human resources and again, if you have any questions or discover something isn't operating properly, please bring it to my attention immediately. Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 09:42:52 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Thank you. I certainly will do that. Roger Simmons

I decided I didn't have the patience to wait for him to come to me, so after a few days... Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 10:22:38 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Dear Mr. Simmons, I happened to be in human resources the other day and it was unfortunate we didn't get a chance to meet. I'm not sure why you weren't at your post. Perhaps you were at lunch. I'm sorry I missed you but there are some new directives in your department and I wanted to explain them personally to your group, including low-level new hires like yourself. Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 12:49:02 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks I was only away from my cubicle for 1/2 hour for lunch in the cafeteria. I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to meet. I wasn't even aware you were in our offices this week. Roger Simmons

Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 09:51:32 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Dear Mr. Simmons, I was just traveling through briefly before I headed over to the baseball playoffs. I like to keep tabs on regional goings-on and I happened to have a private meeting with your boss, Ms. Crisholm. I did happen to notice a young man with brown hair and glasses that seemed to be spending a lot of time on the internet. I'm hoping that wasn't you. We have to be very careful about productivity. Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 21:33:06 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks: No, I haven't been using the internet except this week I've been learning where we post new openings and the job fair entries. I was told this was okay. I've been using a secretary's login until I get my own. I have dark hair, no glasses and a goatee. Roger Simmons

You know what? I don't really like goatees. Nope. They annoy me.

Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 09:05:12 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Mr Simmons, Yes, that's fine. I know this may seem petty, but Ms. Crisholm should have told you how we feel about goatees or facial hair in our corporate offices. While I realize they may be considered stylish and acceptable in our Starbucks outlets, we ask that men refrain from wearing them in our corporate offices as we are trying to uphold a certain image. That includes earrings and other piercings on men, which I do not tolerate at all. Unfortunately, there's little we can do about the appearance of our counter people no matter how much we try. I certainly wish this weren't the case, because most of them have absolutely no loyalty to our brand, and they have done nothing but tarnish our image. I hope you understand our position. Please have it removed by Monday. Again, if you ever have any questions or concerns, do not hesitate to drop me a note. I'm getting pretty good with this email and my secretary really appreciates the break. Best regards, Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Mon, 18 Oct 2004 12:48:23 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Mr. Smith, I've only met Ms. Crisholm once. She's not my direct boss. My direct boss is Angie Tweed. I'm sorry about the goatee, I didn't know it was a problem. There is another man with a beard so I thought it was okay. I do apologize and I have already shaved it. Roger Simmons

Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 12:48:23 +0200 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Thank you for your quick response. Don't worry about the other guy with the beard, it doesn't concern you. He is being terminated anyway for stealing. I will probably be in your department again next week and I will make sure to drop in and introduce myself. I hope you don't mind this, but there are a few important issues that need to be resolved in the coming months and at times I may call upon you to assist me in some information-gathering capacity. This will be strictly requested by myself, and not through your immediate supervisors or their bosses. I realize this is unconventional but if you prove to be efficient and discreet, you may have a great future within our corporation. I'm sure I can count on you for your help. Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Yes, absolutely. Just let me know if there is anything I can do. Obviously I don't have a great understanding of all the departments and heads just yet, but I am learning quickly and have the ability to be discreet when asked. Roger Simmons

Date: Weds, 20 Oct 2004 10:47:28 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks That's wonderful news, Mr. Simmons. Sometimes it's helpful when I can have a little birdy feeding me certain information that I would have a hard time learning otherwise. I'm sure I will come to trust you and your abilities. As you know, we have so many VP's as well as district and regional managers and I like to be able to count on certain people in those departments-- especially now that I'm on my way out, which I will explain later. Let's just say that there are some high level people who have been waiting for this moment for years. Let me tell you something, Mr. Simmons, the higher up you are, the harder you fall. Sure, I'm successful and wealthy, but when you get to this level, it's not just about the money, it's about control. You are lucky you have a very, very short distance to fall. Anyway, I'm not about to let these guys get the best of me. I promise you I will take them all down, if need be. Do you like sports, Mr. Simmons? We have corporate skyboxes at most of the games in town. Let my secretary know if you need tickets for anything. Best regards Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Weds, 20 Oct 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Yes, I love sports. I really appreciate the offer. I will let you know if I need tickets. Again, thank for taking time to write me. It's always difficult to move ahead without someone helping a little bit, no matter how intelligent you are. Roger Simmons.

Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 10:47:28 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks That's fine, Mr. Simmons, I need you to do something for me if you don't mind. I want you to walk past Caroline Crisholm's office at several points today and see what she's doing. Her office is listed in the directory if you're not sure. Just be casual. If anyone asks, say you were distributing some interoffice mail. Bring a notepad and make sure you tell me everything, no matter how unimportant it may seem. Please get back to me by the end of the day with your report. This is very important. Thank you, Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Okay, I will let you know what happens. Should I say anything to my supervisor about where I'm going? Roger Simmons

Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 10:47:28 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks First, lets get a few things straight, Mr. Simmons. I need someone who can think on his feet. I said discreet. You know what discreet means, son? It means do what I tell you and keep your trap shut. That doesn't mean telling your supervisor or anyone else. I will expect a full report by the end of the day. Show me you can handle simple tasks like this and you will see how fast you move up the ladder. Thank you for your attention to this matter. Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Mr. Smith. I did what you said. I walked past her office several times. The first time she wasn't there. I came back an hour later and she was on a conference call. She had two people in her office -- a man and a woman. The door was closed so I couldn't hear what was said. The third time I walked past, it sounded like she was talking to one of her kids on the phone. She said she would pick them up later or something like that. Then, right before I left work, I saw her walking out with a tall man, who had a beard. One of the secretaries said he was a VP of U.S. sales, when I casually asked who that man was. I hope this helps somewhat. Roger Simmons

Date: Mon, 25 Oct 2004 10:47:28 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks What is it with you people and beards? You ever see a bearded man sipping a venti cappuccino? It's repulsive, all that foam dribbling all in the hair. It makes me want to gag when I see it. Thank you for reporting that. The person you are referring to will be laid off in the coming days. Not just for the beard, obviously. He's been hovering around Ms. Crisholm for weeks and doing a very poor job as of late. The beard is really just the final straw. We have corporate policies and if he thinks because he's an executive he can flaunt the rules, he is sadly mistaken. Now what about Ms. Crisholm? I asked you to get me information. You haven't told me anything. What did she say to the man? What was her body language like ? Did they walk together or what? Next time I ask do you something, I expect you to be more thorough. What was she wearing? Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Weds ,27 Oct 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks I'm sorry, I just got your email today. I am in the process of moving to another apartment and had to take the day off. This was approved when I was hired. I apologize I missed your note. I think she was wearing a business suit. Her hair was up. I really tried to hear what she was saying but it was difficult without raising suspicions. If you want me to walk by again today, I will try to get more information. Roger Simmons

This is the point where I generally like to open up with both barrels, and almost always the person catches on that it's all a ruse. Sometimes, to my utter surprise and delight they still don't get it. My next line of bullshit doesn't even faze Roger Simmons. I think he's going to go far in the corporate world.

Date: Weds, 27 Oct 2004 10:47:28 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks I understand how difficult moving is. As for what I told you to do earlier, we'll try it again shortly. I don't want to raise suspicions so let's give it a few days. There is something else you could do for me. There is a Starbucks on 5th and King that I sometimes go to on the weekend since it's near my house. The service is usually really good but last time I was there I noticed this very, very heavyset girl behind the counter. I don't know the girl's name but she was quite repulsive to the eye. Obviously, as CEO I can't just walk into a Starbucks and start firing baristas and service people because I don't like the way they look, but this girl should not be allowed near scones, if you know what I mean. I don't know if you want to earn a little extra money this weekend but I'd like you to go there, have a look around and see if you can find out which girl it is. She needs to be terminated. I want the fat girl gone. Let me know when this is completed. Thank you,, Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Thur, 28 Oct 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Mr Smith, I'm sorry to bother you, but could you let me know what exactly I should say to her. Should I tell her that this was from corporate or how should I phrase it? I'm somewhat uncomfortable with firing someone when I don't know what to say. As an assistant, I haven't done this before so I don't want to do it wrong and open up some legal liability for the company. Roger Simmons

Date: Fri , 29 Oct 2004 10:47:28 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Good thinking, Mr. Simmons. Way to think on your feet. Legal liabilities. Just tell her that she's doing a poor job and we apologize but there's nothing we can do. Or maybe it's better if you just say we need to lay her off because we're downsizing. Get it? Downsizing! She's huge. Anyway, just get rid of that fatass. I'm tired of looking at her. Best regards, Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Mon, 1 Nov 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks I stopped by the Starbucks on Saturday afternoon but I'm not sure she was there. I asked the assistant manager and she wasn't sure who I was talking about. There was one girl who was kind of chubby -- not really fat though. She had strawberry blond hair -- kind of short bob cut. Does this sound like the person you were referring to? I don't want to fire the wrong girl. Roger Simmons

Date: Mon, 1 Nov 2004 10:47:28 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks I don't have time for this, Roger. I don't know. That could be her. I didn't stare at the girl, I just saw her briefly and to me, she was not a pleasant sight next to the other attractive young baristas. It's probably a good idea to get rid of her just to be on the safe side. The girl you saw sounds like she shouldn't be working there either. Anyway, it can wait until next weekend. Best regards, Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Mon, 1 Nov 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Okay. I will let you know what happens. By the way, how should I bill my extra hours? I think they might want to know when I worked overtime and on what project? Roger

Date: Tue, 2 Nov 2004 10:47:28 -0700 (PDT) From: "Orin C. Smith" | To: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks Please don't bother me with this kind of stuff. See your supervisor. Bill your extra hours and if they ask, say you were doing something for my secretary. I will be leaving for Europe tomorrow. While I am gone, I would appreciate if you if could try to find out where that Ms. Crisholm is driving off to after work. You don't have to follow her all the way home, but see if you spot anything suspicious. Maybe a restaurant or movies or something. I don't buy that soccer practice excuse. If she's with anyone, I need to know that as well. This time I want details, got it? I will make sure there's extra pay in your check this week. Also, find out what she's wearing. One last thing, please tell me more about your new apartment. How big is it? Is it private? Are you there often? I know this seems like a strange request, but on occasion, I do like to entertain certain clients. I'm looking for somewhere where we can be away from the prying eyes of my wife. Not that I'm doing anything wrong, but her lawyers are bloodthirsty leeches who would love to get me into divorce court. Do you have a hottub? Make sure you delete this email after you read it. We need to be discreet. Best regards, Orin C. Smith President, Chief Executive Officer Starbucks Corp.

Date: Weds, 3 Nov 2004 20:46:31 +0200 (PDT) From: rxxxxxxxxxx@starbucks.com To: "Orin C. Smith" | Subject: Re: Welcome to Starbucks No problem. As for the apartment, it's just a small one bedroom. Nothing fancy. And I do have a girlfriend so that probably wouldn't work. Roger