Jan. 17, 2007 - I think some of my brain just dribbled out of my nose. Can you get the school nurse?
How the fark are youse? It's been a long time since I've written one of these little buggers. This is due to 2 reasons;
1. I'm on holidays and am no longer a prisoner of my desk on account of uni work.
2. I've been working 50-60 hour weeks at a big department store (where I've held employment for over 2 years- my longest job!) and sitting at a computer at the end of the day is about as appealing as having an ingrown toenail.
I am now writing a blog for 2 reasons:
1. I am back at uni studying Taxation Law in summer school. Yes, this really is as riveting as the colour brown (think of those men who haven't quite left the 50's in a brown suit and beige shirt with a tie that's 3 shades of brown with a dash of black.....that's what this course is like).
2. I have slowly been collecting funny stories in a beautiful pink book that my surrogate sister gave me- her name is Kate and I found her on the street. When I brought her home I asked Mum if I could keep her and she said "Sure darling but only after a good going over with a high pressure hose....just like they do in maximum security prisons".....OK so she isn't a little street urchin at all and she is one of the cleanest, prettiest people I know...BUT THAT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!
OK so I've got a horrible horrible case of cabin fever. I really am torn between 2 worlds at the moment- on one hand I want nothing more than to run around my backyard like a like a loon set free after 4 months in solitary confinement (did I ever mention that my best friend Anis and I once had a "Whoever steps in the most dogshit wins!" competition when we were about 8. On reflection its both gross and disturbing but I would burn my favourite bra for a round of Dog Poop Demolition than having to read another chapter of the 2000 page text book that looms before me).
That's one of my favourite games to play actually....picking two highly unappealing options and forcing someone to pick between the 2, for example:
Would you rather have sex with Sloth from the Goonies or my ex boyfiend, Hank:
Sloth:  or Hank: 
See in this situation I would have to go with Sloth. The reasons for this are:
1. Sail unchartered seas as they say. Hank- been there done that.....(if you haven't detected I'm being sarcastic then you're a gimp)
2. I hate being with men who have sexier underwear than me and really, you just can't beat a fuscia, velour g-string.
3. Lastly, I can't resist a man who resembles an egg....good thing Humpty Dumpty is fictional because he'd be fending me off on a weekly basis, let me tell you (also, I'm glad he is make believe because if he did fall off that wall and smash into tiny pieces, I severely doubt that all the King's horses and all the kings men -considering horses have hooves that grossly inhibit their motor skills and the kings men being Harry and William who suck on spliffs like a baby does its pacifier- could put Humpty back together again....even the world's finest surgeons would have their work cut out for them. That is of course if they felt so inclined to waste time glueing a fucking egg back together- What are you mad?)
My FAVOURITE version of my game is one that I bring up regularly. I've even tried to get a bit of discussion going on ITM forums about this one but my thread was closed which saddened me.....the cool thing about my blog, and everyone else', are those little google ads at the top of the screen. ITM would be making a bit of money each time we click on those so if a blog includes somewhat controversial material (we can ever say cunt!), I have a feeling the powers that be in ITM land are willing to be a little lenient in the name of income.
AH HA! INCOME! I'm so glad you asked because I read about 409258902509 pages on income today. Did you know that the Income Tax Assessment Act 1936 made little effort to even define what 'income' was? The bloody courts have been left to fill in the expansive gaps! I just had to get that out to prove that today's laborious readings have not been in vain.
Oh right so I got side tracked (what a freaking surprise). My favourite version of that game is making people choose between giving a dog (as in a canine, not a minger) a blow job or letting them bone you. I find peoples' decisions and their reasons for their decisions absolutely facinating. I find those who refuse to answer totally boring. Please do me a favour and add a comment outlining which option you would choose and your reasons for it.
As for those funny stories I've been diligently collecting throughout my "holidays" one occurred at that little slice of paradise called the Chinese Laundry. For those of you not from Sydney, this is one of the best clubs in town. I dedicate the majority of my clubbing outings to this place- I know some people would think its boring to go to the same club all the time but with the Laundry it's hardly the same club due to the diversity of their line-ups. Awww so much love for the club...MAYBE I WILL MARRY IT, FUCK FACE!
So one night, he was waiting at the bar to be served a drink. In a moment of generosity (well he has many of these) he decides to buy everyone, randoms and friends alike, a drink. So he goes around asking what people wanted until he asks a large American guy. Before he knows it, they're necking tequila shots in tandem. Moments, later the American returns my friends generous gesture by asking if him and his friend wants some charlie....my friend is not one to say no to anything that will encourage his intoxication (just between you and me, I suspect this is his eternal code of conduct). So my friend, his friend, the American and his girlfriend defy fundamental physics and squeeze four people into a cubicle. So once they're in there instead of getting the business over and done with, the American guy starts taking a piss. The girlfriend, my friend and his friend aren't too bothered by this until there is a loud bang on the door
"THIS IS SECURITY, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OF YOU IN THE CUBICLE?"
This startles the yank who turns slightly towards the door with a shocked expression. His shocked expression is nothing compared to the security guard's who opens the door to find two guys in a toilet watching another guy piss all over his girlfriend.
Now I thought this story was fucking hilarious. I'm slightly used to it and have just realised that this could actually say a lot about the American. We can conclude that he probably wouldn't be good in high pressure (watch out for the pun!) situations due to his inability to keep his mind on the job.....in this instance, it meant his girlfriend got whizzed on but if he was a soldier or a taxi driver who got distracted by outside interruptions, it could be a very costly mistake. WE'RE TALKING LIVES PEOPLE...HUMAN LIVES!
POP QUIZ: Would you keep going out with someone if they pissed on you in front of at least 3 witnesses? I suppose some people would find this a total turn on- you know those people who are on Jerry Springer and every morning their partner pisses on their breakfast cereal before they eat it and then proceed to jump on the good foot and do the bad thing. Incidently, this could be an ideal fetish to have if you're lactose intolerant.
I also got a phone call from another friend during the holidays. She was travelling down the east coast of Australia on her own. One night she was in Port Douglas, on her own and after a few long necks, fairly pished. Being the party animal that I am, I was babysitting when she called me. So we chatted for a while and exchanged stories- hers were about hot French men she made strip on Christmas Eve while mine were more to do with the relentless stupidity that consumes consumers during sales (I am almost a certified specialist on this matter after spending 2 Christmas' working in retail- I reckon I could make some customers wee themselves if I said what I was really thinking...I often imagine chasing them around the store with a huge roll of Christmas wrap, I suddenly start running like the dude out of the Terminator and they realise they won't get away from me. So they drop to the floor and start to cower while I, roll wrap appropriately poised for a speedy swat, stand over them yelling "WHY DID YOU ASK ME IF ITS 50% OF CHRISTMAS WRAPPING PAPER WHEN THERE IS A GIANT FUCKING SIGN RIGHT NEXT TO YOU STATING THIS IS THE CASE, YOU STUPID, USELESS SCROTUM!"). Anyway, so half way through the conversation my friend starts laughing and I go
"What's so funny?"
"Can you hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"It sort of sounds like running water? BWHAHAHAHAHA"
She was taking a slash while on the phone- this is one of my pet hates.
She continues to laugh hysterically until she goes "Ohhh I wonder if anyone can see me?"
"Where are you?"
"I'm in a car park and some car lights just came on behind me".
Dirty bitch was popping a squat where people could see her.
OK I really should go do some more reading. Despite abandoning my religious practices long ago, I still feel the bite of Catholic guilt once in a while. Now is a good example.
Adios amigos and too bad if you read this entire blog- you've just wasted minutes of your life that you can never get back (unlike allowable deductions and tax offsets).
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