Nov. 9, 2005 - Easy like Sunday morning- or not.

Sunday customers are much like Sunday drivers:  SHITHOUSE.

A lady approached myself and my colleague, Debbie and asked if I could help her with a picture frame
"Sure thing!" I said with the enthusiasm of the of a 5 year old who had just been given clag glue (Im like this on a Sunday when I havent had a big night).

The lady points out one of our frames. It is quite a slick design. It is large and accomodates 5 separate 4x6 photos. But the really nifty part is that you put the photo in a smaller frame that is held into the big one by magnets.

She points to the display one and says, the middle picture is flimsy. Are they all like that?

"Well after examining each frame through their boxes with my x-ray vision......Ive still got no fucking idea, lady"

"I'm not sure, would you like me to open another one up and have a look?"

"I think that's a good idea".

Debbie, being a smart lady, goes off to do something else.

So I take one of the frames in a box. I undo the box. I slide the long frame out. I put the box down. I slide the frame out of its sleeve made of bubble wrap. I put the bubble wrap with the box. I carefully tear the tissue paper where it is taped. I unravel the frame from the paper. I put the tissue paper aside. I remove the final sheet of protective foam from the front of the frame and put it aside. I smile at the lady on seeing that all the mini frames are being firmly held against the backing (the larger frame).

The lady takes the frame. She turns it so the photos are facing the ground. She begins shaking the frame like she is beating off an enormous, rectangular penis. Two of the photo parts fall to the ground. She looks at me defiantly,

"See! They're not very strong!"

"Well they're ok when theyre sitting upright"

"I want to look at another one".

As I pick the smaller frames up off the floor ('No it's fine, let ME get them') I hear Debbie giggling nearby. I click them into place. I pick up the protective piece of foam and place it over the front of the frame. I pick up the tissue paper and re-cover the frame. I take the bubble wrap sleeve, line the frame up and bit-by-bit shuffle the frame back into the sleeve. I pick up the box, push all the flaps to the side (ooooer thats naughty!) and edge the frame into the box. I do the box up and place it back in its pile. Incase you're a bit of a deadshit and didn't realise the point I'm trying to make, showing individual frames to a customer is quite tedious and fiddly. Also, you never get the packaging as neat as when it hasn't been opened. This usually deters customers from buying them.

I opened 6 of these frames for this lady. Each time she did her enormous-geometric-wanking movement.

I don't know about you, but usually when I use photo frames, I put the photo in and sit them upright on a flat surface. This stupid old slag would have a point if she was taking this frame white water rafting. I politely tried to reinterate this idea

"Theyre strong enough magnets when theyre sitting upright"  (i.e. Like most people use frames)

"The frames are for my mother. She has a problem with her liver. It all started when she had a heart attack last year. Slowly everything started to wear away. She had to have a colonoscopy last week and she's quite upset. I don't want to give her a frame thats going to make her contantly have to bend down".

"Ohhhhh does she have Parkinson's Disease?"

"No."

I thought I was a genius for thinking of this. At least it explained her handling the frames like Muhammed Ali in a vibrating chair.

So after about 20minutes she decides on another frame (which we had to open to double check it was in good condition). So I lead her over to the counter eager as fuck to rid myself of this annoying, pedantic bitch.

I put the frame down and the lady looks up wide-eyed like a possum caught in headlights "I just remembered I wanted to have a look for a book"

"That's ok, I will leave your frame here for you while you  look around".  She momentarily pisses off.

I wandered off to do something else. About 10minutes later I passed Debbie and she asks

"Did all of the magnetic frames not work?"

"They dont work when you turn them upside down and shake them"

Debbie pisses herself laughing.

"EXCUSE ME!"

Oh bugger. The annoying bitch is standing at the counter about a metre away.

"Well they didn't work when you turned them upside down and shook them"

"I told you my mother was elderly"

A male laugh is heard. I turn around and a tall, older man is has a grin from ear to ear and shaking with chuckles

"Ha ha who uses a frame like that? Maybe its time you were quiet," he says to his wife.

Finally, she is silenced.

By about 4pm, the morning enthusiasm has worn off. It is the point in the day where I am checking the time at an increasing rate. A lady approaches me and asks me about a book. After looking it up on the computer and finding it on our shelves, she lets me know in her kind and likeable manner that she is going to keep looking around. I inform her with a smile that I will leave her book at the counter for when she is ready to buy it.

A little while later we are both at the counter and I am scanning her selected books when a guy who looks about 14 years old comes and stands next to her. I can see the similiarities between the woman and her son. As I am swiping her credit card, I hear her say under her breath angrily

"Sammy!"

I figure that must be her son's name but wonder what he has done wrong. He hasn't said a peep since joining us. I pass the credit receipt over to the lady for her to sign. I notice she is red. Then it hits me. A hot, dense, eggy fart. I look at the boy. He is failing at concealing a deviant smirk. Not just a smirk. He is so overtly pleased with himself and his pungent anus I wouldn't be suprised if he was convinced he would get the Pulitzer Price for that hummer.

I wasn't really sure what to do. I always imagine farts to travel in clouds. I wondered if I put my head slightly to the side whether my head would pass the stink-cloud boundaries. Alas, this toxic-air had permeated to all surrounded areas. I knew I had to evacuate the premises.

I quickly put the books into a bag trying my hardest not to inhale his tiny atomic poo particles that were no doubt swimming about my head. I handed the lady her parcel and we both darted from our current positions with her calling a "Thank you" back over her shoulder.

What a little grot.

Nov. 9, 2005 - Untitled Comment

Nov. 10, 2005 - Untitled Comment

Nov. 11, 2005 - hahaha stfu!!

Nov. 11, 2005 - Untitled Comment