Mar. 6, 2006 - So much to tell.....
Wow that last blog of mine was a bit “how’s your father” and none of your goddamn business! Nosey bastards!
Right so I got back on Saturday from the big 5 week journey through Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia and Thailand. It was fucking unreal. My first lecture this morning was a battle. Concentration- haven’t quite mastered that yet.
The last week we decided to spend in Thailand. Fortunately, Amy (the girl I had been travelling with for 4 weeks prior) and I we were able to meet up with a mutual friend, Jess, plus another darling from my work, Lizzy. Asyou may have read, we attended a ping pong show but it was a little more colorful this time. No comment (mainly because I’ve just shaved a layer off my tongue and its repairing….I hope the lambs stop screaming soon).
We met some American guys in mini-bus on one of the islands and they were so cool. They’re names were Brad and Gus and they were heading to meet up with Brad’s dad called Mike. They asked us to come out drinking with them but we were seriously buggered from a day shopping at the weekend markets in Bangkok (over 9000 stalls and an estimated 200 000 visitors PER DAY. So 400 000 per weekend).
The next morning we were wandering around trying to find somewhere to have breakfast when who should we see? Gus, Brad and presumably Mike. They politely ask us to join them and we do so. We ask them how they’re night was and they sit there looking at the table and finally Mike offers
“It was big night”.
We continue to eat breakfast and talk about where we are all from and what we do. We found out that all 3 of them were lawyers
“Oh like father like son!” Brad looks up shocked and says
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I’m not like him!”
With this, Gus starts pissing himself laughing and says
“Brad is a big, strong guy and for the first time since I’ve known him, he wasn’t able to over power another man last night”
We become concerned
“Did you get in a fight with someone?”
GUS “No he didn’t exactly get in a fight. He was trying to pull Mike off someone he had become very attached to”
BRAD “It all just happened in slow motion…..I was thinking ‘no he cant think….he wont….he couldn’t possibly…..oh god noooooooooooooooo’ and now I have this image BURNT into my head. We still have to buy you some mouthwash, Dad”
Mike continues to look shamefully at the table while slowly shaking his head.
GUS “You see Mike’s vision got a little hazy last night”
MIKE “That’s an understatement”
BRAD “Yeah so bad that he took a liking to someone he probably wouldn’t go for under normal circumstances”
US “Oh you pashed and ugly girl”
MIKE “Hmm I thought she was a girl”
Imagine seeing your Dad pash a ladyboy and then failing while trying to pull him off her/him.
The next day we traveled to one of my favourite places in the whole wide world, Ko Phanagn. There’s a photo from my holiday there last year
However this time we spent more nights in the main area instead of heading straight to the quiet side of the island. We happened upon a place that had nice bungalows (we got an airconditioned one), a communal bar/restaurant/TV and swimming pool. We very soon made friends with both the staff and other guests. When we got a lift from the main dock to the bungalow a guy got out of the cab of the ute to help us get our bags in the back. He was fairly short and skinny with the hottest face. He had beautiful dark skin and we soon learned his name was Shane and was from Burma. He also had the strongest cockney accent. It was a complete head fuck. Turns out they had a long-term British guest there who happened to be an English teacher who not only aided Shane in learning another language, he also branded him with a voice straight from East Enders.
Anyway, that night we instigated my favourite drinking game called Sociables. If you would like to know the rules just say the word and they will be posted. The game is extremely successful as its fun, easy to follow and gets you completely and utterly sloshed. We became notorious for this game and people paid us to play with them (that’s not true but let’s pretend it is). We also thought it would be a good idea to go for a swim while completely plastered. I very skillfully knocked a full bottle of beer into the pool-bar. I was one of THOSE chicks.
Sociables was a little too effective on this particular occasion as I passed out by about 12 while my friends went to a party on the beach. I woke up feeling fucking rotten (I just spelt that like “wrotten” and kept wondering why Word had underlined it red. MORON) and vowing never to drink again. By about 7 that night I was working on a long neck of beer (which set me back by a whopping $1.30). Another game of Sociables developed and we decided that we were heading to the same beach that the others went to last night. I went back to my room to get my stuff and when I returned to the bar, it had seemed that someone had declared ice-jihad on me and I found myself the target of a very passionate ice fight. I had an advantage because I can dive under furniture easily and for once I actually woke up and knew where some of the bruises had come from.
I wound up hanging out with these guys from Manchester and they were absolutely awesome. They were telling me about a radio show (I cant remember who was on it) where they learnt a wonderful expression ….to “Shit yer leg off” ….I fucking love it.
“Hey Lissie, you’re a bitch”
“Yeah? Why don’t you go SHIT YA LEG OFF”
There is nothing, NOTHING that you can respond to that.
Nick (one of the guys) asked me “Name a situation where it would actually be a good thing to crap in your pants”.
“If you had been constipated for 7 months and no amount of laxative or stone fruit or anything could make you drop the cosby kids off”.
Nick was well impressed. He hadn’t thought of that one.
“But what about if it was your wedding and you crapped your pants like that”
“Nick, after 7 months of not shitting, you would hope that the people attending your wedding are close enough that your could tell them of your chronic constipation. It simply means double the reason to celebrate”.
“Honey, this is the best day of my life. We got married and I finally did a shit”
“Its romantic given the context”
The only time he had thought it would be benefitial to crap yourself prior to this was if you were in court facing murder charges and as the judge asks how you plea you simply poo yourself, shove your hands down the back of your pants, grab a handful and toss it straight at Your Honour. Clearly the person is insane.
The next day we went to Haad Salad (where the above photo was taken). We found a double bungalow for 400 baht ($13) and vowed to get another one later (because having 4 people sleep in there was a bit much). For the rest of the day we chilled out on the beach.
Later on we headed to the Reggae club where Amy and I intended on a repeat performance of last year- magic mushrooms. When we tried to order them they said they didn’t have any. Amy developed a conspiracy theory that they didn’t want to sell them to us and presumed it was because 2 tourist had died on the island over summer at a full moon party and the police must have cracked down. I thought it was because they didn’t have any.
The guy who worked there suggested we try another place at the very end of the beach. So we wandered down there and sadly were told that they had none there either. So we ordered dinner and some spliffs instead. Hello the best-weed-Ive-ever-smoked-in-my-life!
The conversation steered itself to the absurd and the silly (my favourite) and Amy and I got to telling Lizzy and Jess about a girl we went to school with. Lets call her Lily. Lily is now a financial advisor for one of the major banks in Australia. She breezed through her economics degree at Sydney Uni, made friends with the cool, rich Eastern suburbs crowd and scored herself an absolutely lovely boyfriend. He is extremely good looking and a total sweety but highly conservative. The reason I’m telling you this is because Lily did some very bizarre things when we were in high school. I said
“Once when Lily was at my house she said she felt like wee-ing into a plastic bag. So sure enough a couple of minutes later she was standing there giggling holding a freezer bag full of piss”
Amy looks at me with this shocked look on her face. I try to explain...“I know its gross but I didn’t know what to say. Now days you’d tell them to fuck off but back in year 8…..”
“No Liss, its not that….”
“What is it then?”
“She did the exact same thing to me! One day we had been for a swim and then she just says out of the blue “I feel like pissing into a plastic bag’. It wasn’t exactly a sporatic thing then if she did it at your house as well”
We then told Jess and Lizzy how she once did a poo in a sink in the school toilets and once did one in the drawer of a teacher’s desk in a class room. As we said all this we just slowly realized how fucking gross it was. But what is stranger is how she manages to maintain such a conservative and lady-like image.
Also when we were on schoolies, my friends and I were all staying in a big apartment block in Surfers that was filled with guys and girls from a similar schools to us. Lily used to call up guy’s rooms and put on this funny old woman voice with a hint of Irish accent
“Hello there, its Marilyn from house keeping. I was wondering if you needed anymore sheets and towels”
“Oh yeah that would be great thank you”
“Are your sheets a bit dirty dear?”
“Yeah a bit”
“What happened? Did you come in them?”
“What?”
And then she would hang up and we would burst into fits of hysteria.
“Hello its Marilyn from house keeping, would you like anymore sheets and towels?”
“Yes please”
“OK no problem, dear. Could you do me a favour and just see if you have an egg beater in the kitchen”
“Umm OK, hang on a second”
The young lad left the phone for a short while and he returned,
“Yeah we do have an egg beater here”
“OH that’s fantastic, now we can beat together”.
She would make up the funniest shit on the spot. I’m not sure if this is even remotely funny but at the time and while revisting such memories while stoned, I was cacking myself.
Another time, Laura decided to dress up in a gorilla suit with a pair of big grandpa undies over the top. And another day on the last day of term while we were at school we went back to my friend Clare's house. While we were there Lily got in one of her silly moods and wanted to play dress ups again. She agreed to let us dress her up in whatever we wanted. We some how managed to get her to agree to let us drive her to the local train station shops where she would get out of the car for 5 seconds. We dressed her up in sneakers, a g-string, a singlet top and Clare's fencing mask while she held onto the foil (the sword) as well. Then instead of letting her out for 5 seconds, we dropped her off and drove around the block. She didn't even get mad....
Slowly we became weary and decided to call it a night. We asked the man who had served us and given us the joints if we could get the bill
“No no….later”
“We pay later?”
“Yes yes you pay later”
“Well we might come back from breakfast…should we pay then”
“Yes yes come back tomorrow and you pay then”.
This suited us perfectly because none of us were really capable of doing something complicated like paying for a meal so we started to wander off down the beach. After about 50metres we hear a high pitched voice
“HEY HEY YOU COME BACK YOU DIDN’T PAY!”
“THE MAN SAID WE COULD PAY TOMORROW”
“NO NO PAY TOMORROW YOU PAY NOW!”
Lizzy took one for the team and ran back to the woman while Jess, Amy and I stood there dopily looking on. After a couple of minutes Lizzy returned giggling
“OMG that was his wife and she was massively pissed off”
“How come he said we could pay tomorrow”
“Yeah apparently he does that with all the young girls. His wife is out the back cooking and working her ass off all night and when there are a group of girls there he doesn’t make them pay so they come back again”
Dodgy prick. When we got home it became apparent that we had failed to find another bungalow. We slept 3 going the normal way across the bed (I got the middle) and Jess lying longway near our feet. I kept waking up knowing that I had just kicked her....poor bugger.
OK this has gone way too far. I should be doing homework. I best be off. The scary part is, I just covered about 3 nights of 35……..
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