Apr. 9, 2006 - Back in the day things were simple…..

My Dad was telling me that once upon a time in Beverly Hills, the lady next to door to their place gave birth to twins. Unfortunately they were both born with holes in their heart. After a couple of months the first of the twins died and a mere twelve hours later, the second one passed away as well. Back in the 50’s this caused quite a stir and soon enough there were reporters waiting out the front of their house wanting the whole scoop.

From the front porch, Dad, his two sisters and his parents watched as the reporters continued to make noise out the front of the house. The front door opened and out walked the twin’s grandmother. The journalists voices softened until there was silence and the lady said

“As you can imagine, we are absolutely distraught. This is an enormous loss for my daughter and her husband. We will be prepared to talk to you in a couple of days time. We would appreciate it if you would respect this and leave us alone”.
The reporters hurriedly copied this down and watched as the lady retreated back into her home. The throng remained on the lawn for several moments until they began heading back to their mode of transport. Bar one. He marched straight towards the front door and started banging again demanding to interview the parents.

Back then my father’s Dad (Poppa) stood a grand 6’2’’ and was a well built man. He bounded over the fence like a professional hurdler and ran straight at the reporter till he had him by his cuff

“If you don’t get off this property right now I’m going to shove my foot so far up your ass, your father will feel it”.

The reporter made a swift flee for his car after turding his pants.

This was the only time my Dad ever saw Poppa throw his weight around and he was proud as punch.

Dad also recalled his Sex Education when he was in Year 6 (about 12 years old). The way they organised this is that the students with names from A-M would go on Tuesday night and the kids from N-W would go on Wednesday. The topic to be discussed during Wednesday’s lunch time was one of the few things in this world that could have been predicted with 100% certainty.

“What’s it like?”  the N-W boy asked.

“Not very nice,” the A-M boy replied.

“What do you mean?” he pushed

“Well…..you have to be naked with a lady, get on top of her and then wee inside her”.

“Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww” chorused the N-W boys.

So like all the other students, my Dad attended the evening classes with Poppa as an escort. After being shown slides of penises and erect penises and vaginas and some fallopian tubes for good measure, Dad left feeling slightly enlightened but more confused.

Like most men of that generation, Poppa found heartfelt conversations quite a challenge. On the way home he tried his best

“So you understand all that, don’t you, Pete?”

“Ummm yes, I spose” he said unconvincingly.

“Well, you know its ahhhh its ahhh ..…..well its your balls”.

And he left it at that.

Many years later and through the application of some knowledge learnt during that special class, my brother existed in the back room of our house playing Leisure Suit Larry with his friends. Now for those of you who are unaware, Leisure Suit Larry was a computer game with a total sleazeball as theprotagonist. He went to casisnos, dealt with criminals and on this particular occasion, had just been led into a room by a prostitute.

My mother heard one of the boys call out in his best reading voice

“The lady of the night takes you to her room and wonders what you want to do with her”.

There is silence for a moment. The boys make some noise to indicate they are all in deep thought. My mother reflects on how this computer game really isn’t appropriate for their age group and waits anxiously for their response. My brother is the first with an idea

“Tell her we want to watch television!”

Mum relaxes.

Apr. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment

Apr. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment

Apr. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment

Apr. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment

Apr. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment