Aug. 18, 2005 - Dreams, looking at last night.

As I am having baby I had a big conversation with a family friend last night about my feelings and expectations regarding my baby. The woman I was talking to has much more life experience than myself and has also had 4 children of her own so she was challenging me on many aspects of bringing up a child. This was great because I started to look at the whole situation in a different light.

Then I went to sleep.

In my dream I was constructing a model. The model was made up of every concept I have regarding our impending child. For example, a crib would signify sleep etc although the concepts in my dream were visually represented by much more abstract images. The model I was building had many surfaces and was quite complex (as one would expect the visual representation of every concept of a babies life from an adults perspective would be, or one would hope) I built (or it was already built and I was editing it) this very weird model. It physically represented a blimp type shape, brown in many areas, quite synthetic, with many parts all joined together.

As I inspected my model I would think about how I interpreted the aspects of each component and would take that component off the model and reshape it to fit my changing concepts regarding the child. The conversation I had been having hours before was the basis for these changes and any physical difference from my original model was due to a change in my perception toward that component. Specifics surrounding each of these concepts are lost within my subconscious but it was the physical re-ordering and manipulation of my interpretations that left me gob smacked.

As an author would write and rewrite a passage to get it just right, I built and rebuilt my minds model of a childs life over and over throughout the night. At one point I awoke and went to the bathroom and as I walked the dark house I could see the image of my blimp like model through open eyes. I was between a dream and waking state and quickly returned to my bed where I could consciously explore the ideas I had been rebuilding all night. It was a wondrous and amazing feeling to know that while I am asleep my mind has the capacity to break and rebuilt itself depending on the information it has soaked up throughout the day.

May. 31, 2005 - Beautiful Words

beautiful words

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, you can learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all of your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth.

beautiful days.

May. 12, 2005 - Bewildered

Upon driving to work today, I noticed that no drivers are really concious of what other people are doing on the road and only care about where they are going. For Example... in a single lane a person pulled over to try and reverse park, yet 12 cars pushed their way past this car, into the oncoming lane while the reverser sat motionless trying to get into the place but unable because of all the traffic barging past..

And moreso...

When someone says something of benifit to themselves and their cause, everyone's immediate reaction is to say it isn't true, to doubt that something benifitial could happen just as a strike of luck. To try and discredit others without knowing the facts and immediately jumping to the negative is just another reason most of us try and get past the slow parker. Afterall, they are in our way, they are going slowly, they aren't thinking of ME.

I don't understand, I am bewildered as to why our species is so quick to push their way past someone and step on their toes and then go as far as to deny then any happiness just because they think it is unlikely. What is it with us? Why do we constantly need to stamp on our fellow humans while trying to forge our own way.. Why is it so bad that our peers succeed around us while we wait for the person infront to park. Afterall, once the person infront parks, it's our turn to move on, it's our turn to find the metaphorical parking spot.

I'm sick of toe stepping, live and let live, and don't push past because someone is slow, consider why and let them be that way. It will be your turn soon.

May. 6, 2005 - "Hi, how are you?" but I don't need an answer.

Why do people in my office ask how I am but never wait for an answer? I'm putting it down to the fact that they are too busy to care and I'm not that exciting anyway. But my problem here is the fact that they still ask. I find it way more rude to ask and not care than not to ask at all.. It's most probably just habit but still damn rude.

I always answer, it's just something i do, the thing is, by the time I answer and ask them, they are so far down the hall that I figure they can't even hear me. RUDE!

So I don't know what to do.... ignore? continue my way? quit?

Or just forget about it and consider it their problem... Well, I've kinda already done that but I wish they'd stop asking me because I feel compelled to answer and feel like a goose when they don't care.

May. 5, 2005 - My smiley day.

Today I am happy  you can see by my smile, if I was really  I'd be more like . So anyway, today while I am  I still have to do loads of work to do which makes me a bit  you see too much work leads to too much thinking and too much thinking leads to  but can also cause . When I get to actually leave work though, I am more like this . So after leaving work I get to drive home, driving makes me a little   especially with most of the Sydney driver being . But after I get home I can relax  and play with my cat  and eat some yummy food . Soon after that, after I've washed up  my beatiful lovely lady comes home   we talk and chat about our days . What a life, it makes me pleased to be alive... One day I will tell my girlfriend my terrible secret, I'm really a secret  and I kill with my sabre . I don't want my lovely lady to know because she might  and will never understand . All I can do is continue the lie  and hope that my days are still  and keeping my terrible secret doesn't drive me  or make me too . I like my life  and would hate for it to be . So help me keep my  secret and we can all live  together.

May. 5, 2005 - I've never used a Blog before and I have some news..

So, I've never used a Blog before. I didn't even know what they were until my mother told me. How the hell does my mother know about this crap when she can't even set the video right? Beats me but hey, I may as well try and make the best of it.

So big news eh... Well, I'm having a baby. I haven't really told anyone so if you read this, you may very well be in a very small group of people who do know. I am really looking forward to my first ever child.. I don't mind if it's a girl or a boy, either way it will still be my beautiful child. It is weird though. Last week I went shopping for a cot, what the hell is that about? I NEVER thought I would ever be in this situation and now that I am it isn't all that scary, just obscure. The baby will change my life, personally I can't wait. Floating around without direction is only fun for a while, then I needed something that lets me know I am going somehere and acheiving something. I'm having a baby, how bloody exciting.

4 months through. 5 months to go. Child = 18cm.